were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
