so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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