Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
