My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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