i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
We need a shit load of segways right now
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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