I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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