i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
