I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
