So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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