When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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