i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
