in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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