i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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