cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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