The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
