I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
