I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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