Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
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