i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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