She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
