good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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