One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize