If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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