I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
BRING THE BAGELS
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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