Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
