My cat gives me a boner
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
