VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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