well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize