I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
