I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
