My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
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