I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
