you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
