Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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