it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
