Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
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