and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
