You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
