new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
