I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize
