I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
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