do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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