I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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