i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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