Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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