yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
