Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
