No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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