Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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