Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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