Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
