i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
