I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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