it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
