3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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