Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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