Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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