Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
