In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
