i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
