the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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